DISQUS

Curtis · 3 months ago

I think it's a great idea! It's a clear statement by the couple about what they need (money!), which in is really no different than creating a registry.

A lot of people give money as gifts anyway, so I would consider this as an early gift rather than a "payment" or "donation."

jason · 3 months ago

Good point. A lot of people give money anyway. They might as well just give it up front, so it helps for the wedding.

Juggler314 · 3 months ago

I have a friend who just did this, not quite a straight donation thing, more fun. They used www.honeyfund.com which lets you set up specific things to "buy" the couple. So my friends did one for each night of the honeymoon, the dinners, drinks, etc. So it somewhat looks like a normal registry. I don't think there's anything wrong with collecting cash.

Ray @ Financial Highway · 3 months ago

I don't see anything wrong with it, small donations from people can quickly add up to pay for most of their costs.

Julie · 3 months ago

I vote tacky. "Contribute to the blessing" by "investing in the celebration"? Nothing about a wedding is in any way a necessity, and if you can't afford to pay for it without soliciting donations, then you don't buy it. 75 guests isn't a "small, intimate wedding" and since they've gotten people to donate their services (most of them smelled the promotion this was going to get in the news), the money they're asking for is going to pay for things like a limo ride and an outfit for the ring bearer. Really?!?

On the other hand - anyone want to chip in for our mortgage? We'd really like a bigger house. Or how about our car payment? There are some nice clothes we'd like to buy - anyone up for footing the bill?

Abby · 3 months ago

Tacky! Tacky, tacky, tacky.

If I'm at a wedding, it is because I care about the couple. I don't care about the flowers or the food or the favors or whether there's a band or a DJ. We overspent on our wedding, and if I had it do over again? We'd have a far smaller celebration.

That said, I'm not opposed to giving cash as a gift - especially now that we're in our 30s, it is my gift of choice for my 20-something cousins. And if it happens to go towards paying off wedding-related debt? So be it. But I'd hope that it is going for something in the future - and whether that's a champagne brunch on the honeymoon or a down payment for a house, I don't care.

Juggler314 · 3 months ago

I don't get it, even the traditional view (I mean this as what my severely cosmopolitan grandmother says) is that your gift should roughly equal the cost of your seat at the wedding (IE the per person cost of the wedding). Obviously that's just a rule of thumb, but if the rule of thumb basically equals - pay for the wedding in the form of gifts, what exactly is wrong with asking for straight cash.

I know plenty of people who have thought asking for cash was either too tacky, or too offensive to their families, so what happens is they just return absolutely everything. Which wastes a whole lot of money (and carbon if you are into saving the earth) on shipping and handling fees - also it sucks for the stores involved. Don't you think if that's what's going to happen to your gifts you might as well just do cash first.

Of course that could merely be the view of a lifelong NYC resident (as my family and I are)...

One thing that's occurred in discussions of this sort among my friends is that nowadays with the average age people marry getting higher, many people already own pretty much all the home essentials...

thisisbeth · 3 months ago

I agree with Julie. This is begging to get something you can't afford yourself. The idea of a wedding is to invite your family/friends to celebrate your joy with you. They bring a gift to commemorate the moment, you provide food and entertainment that fits your budget. Save up more money, or pare down your guest list or expectations.

Anna · 3 months ago

Completely tacky. If you can't afford a wedding, save up and do it later or just keep it simple. Do what you can afford. Ask for favors from friends and do it in the backyard or your living room, or invite your friends and family to come along to the courthouse. No one is entitled to a big wedding. It's about getting married, not having a wedding. I would not be able to support anyone who did this.

I Do Take Two · 3 months ago

I agree with you, Anna. And, I'm happy to hear that there are more and more people who aren't drinking the kool aid! None of us are entitled to a wedding...

Juggler314 · 3 months ago

although SmartMoney.com (http://www.smartmoney.com/spending/deals/the-we...) specifically says not to view it as paying for your spot in the wedding. The article does not address directly asking for cash...

Juggler314 · 3 months ago

although the monetary suggestions for gifts as far as that article are concerned will outstrip the per person costs at a wedding not held in a metro area (my gf's cousins who all get married upstate only spend 5-8K on a wedding, my friends from nyc think it's a bargain if the wedding costs under 30K - both for the same sized 150 guest wedding).

Ron · 3 months ago

Tacky...and that's from a guy's perspective.
The per person cost could be HUGE if the bride was a spendthrift.

Beth · 3 months ago

I think its ridiculous. This is a second wedding for both of them, they should go to a jp. Its just another case of entitlement.

I Do Take Two · 3 months ago

A second wedding is a new wedding for both of them, so a celebration is in order, as long as they can afford to host it. Guests invited to a second wedding aren't obligated to send a gft, but most do. But, none of this should be done to make a financial gain.

David@DINKS Finance · 3 months ago

I plan on getting married in the next couple/few years. I have wanted to wait until my income has increased, but with this economy I plan on getting more experience at a lower salary and wait it out in a way. So I need to make due.

A couple of friend of mine got married last weekend. It was a great wedding, and they paid for it all themselves (themselves being the couple plus help both monetary and non-monetary of the parents). I could write a long, long post about all they did, but it was honestly the most fun, most "beautiful" wedding I have attended.

Instead of asking for "donations" I want people to not feel obligated to "donate" to my wedding. Instead I want them to bring gifts (fair exchange i.m.o.). I will probably work a little more and save more, as well as cut as many deals as possible to make the wedding cheap.

So my opinion is, no, don't do the donations. It won't be the same.

MoneyMateKate · 3 months ago

I think it would be tacky if they were trying to raise $20K rather than $2K -- as much as I want to give a couple something they really want, I don't like the idea that my $100 or whatever is going to cover, oh, the rental of 100 forks. But then, you won't find me spending $100 on 4 patterned side plates listed on their registry (that china/crystal thing is plain old outdated). Totally love that honeyfund idea though - it's what I'm doing for my sister in a few weeks anyway. Travel is a huge part of my life, so it makes sense that I'd want to buy a piece of their honeymoon.

dogatemyfinances · 3 months ago

Wait, this is a SECOND WEDDING?

I was with them, assuming they disclosed that they are poor and struggling. But a second wedding? Just buy a keg and $200 in BBQ. Done.

Juggler314 · 3 months ago

Also, I can't imagine anyone asking for just money. My friends that are using the honeyfund.com site also have two standard registries so you can choose to buy them a toaster, or:
"Monday at the hotel
Oh my god, my head hurts so bad. Stupid frozen drinks. I'll get up for lunch."

you know, whatever you think is appropriate.

Craig · 3 months ago

I think we are going to start seeing this more often for a lot of events. Not just weddings, but education, cars, trips, etc. Money is tight and expenses always grow but people are accustomed to a certain lifestyle that may be unrealistic in the future.

Jim · 3 months ago

I think asking for and giving wedding gifts in the form of cash is a good idea. Most couples can use $100 more than a gravy boat, knife set or crystal candelsticks. If someone told me that they'd prefer cash for gifts then I'd be just fine with that and I'd encourage it it even.

On the other hand I do think having a charity drive type website complete with corporate sponsors to raise money is a bit tacky.

Honey · 3 months ago

I can see this both ways. There are a lot of people that I can imagine putting a lot of pressure on a bride/groom (whether they're friends or family) to be invited, and be very insulted to be told that "we're trying to keep it small" or "we're trying to save money." You know, the "so I'm not important enough to be invited?!" or the "I'm not worth the cost of my presence?!" Types.

If your friends/family/social circle's like that, then I can see asking for cash in lieu of gifts to help pay for the wedding. Especially if it's a second wedding like these folks, who probably already got a bunch of Crate & Barrel crap from their first weddings that they don't even need.

It's easy to say either wait till you can afford it or do something smaller, and that's good advice for a lot of folks. But it's not always the couple that creates the unrealistic expectations about what a wedding is and then can't/won't pony up the cash to live up to that.

Flexo · 3 months ago

This is tacky. If you can't afford a big wedding, don't have a big wedding. Don't ask for donations from guests. You could ask for cash in lieu of gifts, but even that is bordering on tacky. I *do* think it's a good idea to make deals with the typical vendors. Offer them advertising space in return for their work. I'd even rather see corporate sponsors rather than hosts asking for contributions from guests. And yes, the fact that this is a second wedding makes it worse. Even if you believe every bride deserves a glorious wedding day... the limit on glorious if it's a financial stretch is one.

Brian Caldwell · 3 months ago

Asking for straight dollars is so not cool. We just gave a gift of kayaking around St. Thomas to some friends for their honeymoon. Cash is boring. At least contribute toward some type of experience the couple will enjoy after they are married. I believe the honeymoon registry was called Traveler's Joy and its site was located at: http://www.travelersjoy.com

financia at FinancialFreakShow · 3 months ago

My vote is for tacky! I say they just charge addmission at the door. Hire a good DJ and a doorman maybe have hand stamps or bracelets for the patrons of the wedding. Sell some drinks maybe even sell some t-shirts! If the business model works they could refine the plan and make a killing on their second & third weddings!

Lisa Barnes · 3 months ago

Normally I would say requesting donations is tacky... but in this case I think they've managed to take the "tacky" out by making it a one dollar proposition. After all, isn't this just kind of the online version of the "Dollar Dance" at a reception?

Etiquette Lady · 3 months ago

As an etiquette professional, this sort of behavior causes me to grab for the Tums. While I do see the larger issue--lack of money caused by the recession--I am completely able to look beyond it, as we all should. Whenever we invite guests to an event for which we are hosting, we are a host. Simple. A host should never request guests to bring any of the party or expect them to pay an admittance fee, which is what host are doing when they expect cash. It is very simple, if a person cannot afford a certain type of party, even if they really, really (more reallys in there) want it, they should host the party they can afford to host. This even applies to weddings. And, there never has been a "rule of thumb" about giving a gift equal to the amount the couple spends on a dish at the reception. If you consider this logically, it is impolite and impossible. How would we know the cost of the dish, why should we know, and why would we have to pay for our meal when we have been invited? Also, the dollar dance is now considered very tacky--pay for a dance??

velvet jones · 3 months ago

Cosign EVERYTHING Etiquette Lady said above. If this couple can't afford a $2000 wedding, they could get married at the justice of the peace for $30 or whatever, then have a party/ceremony the following year when they will probably be better off financially or could save up for it themselves. If I got this as a guest, I'd be offended.

Be it a wedding or any other gathering, it irritates me to no end when I'm invited to a party, but then requested to bring the party with me (food, booze, etc.). If you can't afford it, don't host it.

H Lee D · 3 months ago

Tacky. If you can't afford a party, don't throw a party. Or if you can just afford a cake and punch, then just do cake and punch. Don't ask me to be a guest, then ask me to pay to host it.

"The idea was born out of necessity." No it wasn't. There is nothing that is required for a wedding that costs $2K.

LinearChaos · 3 months ago

I think this is great!

It's very not in your face as apposed to the money dance that I witnessed at a recent wedding. Guests form a line to the dance floor and "pay" to dance with the bride and groom, placing donations in a tip jar. Now that was tacky!